depression – Fitgirl in progress

I started my journey End of 2014 but I first started losing weight 2015, by June/July I had lost 17kg /37.5lbs which I was super happy about. As you might know if you read some of my previous posts my relationship with food wasn’t something I had really worked on up to this point in my journey.

About 2-3 months into my journey I’d allow myself to have an entire Cheatday every single Sunday. So every Sunday I’d eat whatever I wanted, the entire day, no calorie tracking whatsoever. I would’t eat extraordinarily big amounts of food but I’d eat high calories, well over my limit (Candy adds up very quick..) at first that wasn’t an issue I’d still lose weight but then I hit a plateau. At the same time I finished all my Exams and stared working my first real job, I’d work long hours and had to commute (+2.5 hrs each way) every day to get to work. It was a very stressful time I barely had any time for myself, let alone strenght to go to the gym after a long day (also difficult because I was using public transportations), at the end of the day I was even to exhausted to meal prep. I would buy my meals at a grocery store close by, at the beginning I’d still eat quite healthy, but soon I started to buy comfort food and quickly I put on a few pounds that I had lost. Approximately 10kg/22lbs to be exact.

Not being able to workout was so demotivating and all that stress led to me simply not really caring anymore. Luckily that job that caused me so much stress was only temporarily. Pretty much the rest of year 2015 I struggled to get back on track again, I was stuck in a vicious cyle of binge eating. The fact that I felt like I had lost control (over my eating) and that I had put on weight was frustrating and depressing I felt like a failure. I knew I had to get a grip and take control over the situation again in order to feel better physically and emotionally. I had to prove to myself that I actually was capable of doing it all over again, and I did.

*Find out how I got back onto the fitness wagon in my next post.

I started taking the contraceptive Pill around the time when I turned 18, which was by the End of 2011. At that time it was primarily to get a regular cycle other than actual contraceptive, it wasn’t really much of an aspect, since I’ve never had a boyfriend before.. which changed soon afterwards but thats’s a whole different story.

When I first started taking the pill I didn’t really pay much attention to the side effects, I read them of course but I didn’t pay that much attention to it. Throughout the years the side effects started to show up, one by one, bareley noticeable I didn’t even realize the pill was causing all that I went trough.

I was moody, imbalanced, cranky, aggressive, depressed, highly emotional, had extreme cravings (which led to weight gain), headaches and even my thyroid got kinda worse. I was dealing with massive hormonal imbalances in general which made me prone to gain weight.

It just got so comfortable to have a regular (and light) cycle and better skin. I didn’t think such a tiny little tablet could have such a huge impact on my life and well being. Doctors prescribe them so easily (at least in Germany), but it’s such a huge change for your Body. It’s not like they take time to do blood work in order to see if a hormonal contraceptive is a good idea for someone.

Doctors don’t take their time to talk to you much either. It’s like no one wants to talk about the negative aspects, for them it’s probably just an easy way to prevent young girls from getting pregnant at an early age I guess. And well they probably get some sort of benefit from the Pharma Industry (this is just an assumption!).

As I was struggling with my thyroid I made an appointment at an endocrinologist, she did an Ultrasound and a very detailed blood exam which showed that besides my thyroid issue (which wasn’t treated for whatever reason) I had high levels of cortisol in my blood which could be cushings disease or caused by the contraceptive pill. We did more tests (dexamethasone suppression) which was a saliva sample and I had to take a tablet and do blood work again. It came back negative which was good but still I had high cortisol levels in my blood but since I was relieved it wasn’t cushings disease and they didn’t recommend any further action I totally forgot about it for quite a long time.

If you don’t already know, cortisol is a stress hormone which can cause weight gain or make it quite difficult to lose weight. Besides that I had symptoms like fatigue, depressions, headaches and was very irritable and emotional which only got worsened by the effect of the contraceptive pill.

Anyways I didn’t really look into all of that at that time I kinda just moved on with my life and weightloss journey. In 2016 I hit a weightloss plateau which was highly frustrating I was eating clean and working out six times a week. I didn’t understand what was wrong and only started losing weight a few months ago after some changes in my diet.

Anyways back to my experience with the contraceptive pill, I took my last one on 28th of September 2016. I didn’t talk this through with a doctor but I educated myself before doing so. I finished my 21 pills and then had my regular period break but instead of taking the next ones after a 7 day break I didn’t take them again. It felt weird at first since I was so used to it and always took them at a certain time of the day. But I started to notice a big change pretty soon after I stopped.

I was so much happier, I wasn’t depressed for no reason as I was before. I have to say my depressions where getting out of hand to a point I was on the edge of being suicidal/having suicidal thoughts (which I actually never told anyone before). I stopped having mood swings and was less aggressive. I was happier all together and had a way more postive mindset.

Getting off the pill was honestly the best decision for me personally it changed my life for the better and I finally feel like myself again. My cycle was extremely messed up in the beggining I had a cycle of 40-66 days sometimes and it’s slowly getting more steady. It can actually take years for the body to fully get rid of the hormones. I didn’t mind my cycle being extremely unsteady at the beggining, I’ve been single for years and don’t have any risk or fear of getting pregnant. One day when I’m in a relationship again I’m planning on getting the copper IUD since I don’t want any kind of hormonal contraceptive again and of course condoms also. I don’t want to have kids at all so knowing that the IUD can last up to 10 years is great, I’d get my tubes tied if I could, but most doctors refuse to do such a procedure on young women especially if they don’t already have kids. But well at least there’s other long term options such as the IUD.

There sure are people who get along well with hormonal contraceptives or need them, such as people with PCOS. But it sure isn’t for everyone.

How did the contraceptive pill affect my weightloss journey? I have to say since I stopped taking it I noticed certain muscles developing which was nearly impossible before. I don’t have such extreme cravings anymore besides being more disciplined throughout the years it’s great not to have extreme cravings anymore. I feel like my body changed since I stopped taking the pill.

You have to think about it, being on the pill makes your body think that it’s pregnant and therefore you don’t get pregnant and when you’re on the period break it’s basicly like your body thinks you lost the baby and you do that to your body over and over again..that can’t be that healthy in the long run.

There sure are down sides to stop using the contraceptive pill such as of course your cycle changes, your cycle may be longer, your period might be heavier or even longer than on the pill. I used to rarely have cramps, now I have them every now and then and of course my skin changed and I sometimes have breakouts before having my period and I can feel when I’m ovulating sometimes. But honestly I rather deal with those things than putting my body through what I went through while on the pill.

I hope you enjoyed this article, it’s a bit different form what I’ve posted before but it’s a part of my journey that I needed to share. Everything I said is based on my own personal experience and opinion and does not apply for everyone.

Tag: depression

Blogmas Day 18: How I fell off the fitness wagon

My contraceptive Pill story